Federal Notice to ALL Working Citizens

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A friend sent this to me. It’s a note making the rounds by e-mail. If I get a source, I will link to it:

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS – Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

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6 Comments
  1. She says

    LMAO!!

  2. fresno dan says

    It would be funny if it weren’t true…
    Oh, and he forgot the new agency for people forced to take early disability: DICKED
    Disablility income conversion knowledge education department.

    And I will put in a word for my housing solution:
    NEWSUCKERS
    • Novel economic work stimulus utility cumulation* kabuki expansion recovery statute

    The Simpsons tells me “cumulation” is a perfectly cromulent word

    1. David Lazarus says

      As a work of satire it is very good. Good satire is close to the truth,

  3. HippyJr says

    Love it!

  4. David Lazarus says

    In many ways it does show the perceived contempt for the public by Congress. You only have to see the Republican primary debates to see that they do not care about job creation. Ultimately it will be the creation of jobs that ends this crisis, and defining full employment as 6 or even 9% unemployment is quite frankly ridiculous. I remember an era when less than 1% was regarded as full employment.

  5. jesse hall says

    Congressmen and their aides are still not able to be prosecuted for insider trader violations as the rest of the entire business world public and private CAN BE. When WE THE PEOPLE insist that Congress and their aides cannot profit from insider trading then the Satire will be ON THEM. Its about time THE PUBLIC AT LARGE did some home work on duration of Congressional office terms allowing this practice. The priveledges and involvement in Public and Private sector by CONGRESSMEN create absolute power for them to be criminals while in office with impunity from the LAWS WE ALL are subject too. Read Warren Buffets recent comments about how adjusting CONGRESSES priveledges wouls solv most all of our economic woes and avoid The ECONOMI…. RAPE, SHAFT, AIDS, HERPES, we have all been contaminated with while CONGRESSMEN LAUGH all the way to the BANK.

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